He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
