Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
