I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It's just like the Real World with babies
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
