Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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