went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
