Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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