why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
