I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
