as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
