ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
