fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
