Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
