I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
