when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
