He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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