I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
