Don't make out with my wife yet
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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