how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Two words: blizzard sex
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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