so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
