I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
ttyl tear gas
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
