I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
