You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
