I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
