I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
