i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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