Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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