oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
