I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
