I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
