In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
oh god the rape fog is back!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
