scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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