Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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