Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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