so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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