Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
