One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
