I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
