I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
