I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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