The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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