I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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