I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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