I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
