and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
