I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
