Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
