Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
