fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
