Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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