Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
